Now we're in bad terms again. She just thanked me for making her cry. Little did she know hurtful it is to LISTEN to her crying and made her cry myself. I didnt mean it. She said she acted stupid and believe me. Doesnt it mean that she literally pretended to believe me? If she didnt mean that and i interpreted it that way, i will still feel used. I feel like she pretended to believe and trust me again because she needs a shelter when she is here. But one side of me knows that she is not that kinda girl. She doesnt know how much i have struggled to believe her. How i push myself not to doubt her. I love her. Thats for sure. That is why i know i shouldn't doubt her. I made it. I stop doubting her. It was just so hurtful to even doubt that she love me. Now, she used me? I cannot believe it. At the same time i cannot believe that i said that to her as well. She used me. It is just how i feel as well. For being accused. We are both being accused. I accused her for using me. She accused me for asking my friend who called me darling to send a message to apologize on facebook.
Goodness, how can things got so messed up. I am to blame for this. If only i wasnt so stupid to flirt on MSN. If i didnt feel lonely. Maybe if i found God earlier. I am still on the way of understanding the Christ. I made a promise to Him that i will change. I didnt ask for anything back. All i know is, if i want her, I need to be a better person. For her, and for myself, a better future. It is not a condition thing. I really didnt ask for anything, but i actually hope for it. Maybe it is wrong as well. I am lost. I am so lost yet again. I was suppose to tidy up my room and finish up my CV but i doubt that i can now.
She is the best thing that happened to me in my life i have to say. She made me feel loved, belonged and cared. No other girlfriend that i had made me feel the way she did. She started this when she said she told me everything everyday since she went back, but all i reply her is just a sigh. A sigh means i feel useless baby. Do u know that? i feel helpless. I dunno how i can make things better. You have your sister's condition, your parents worry about your sister, and u are leaving to Australia soon. Dont you think i should come up with something to cheer u up? But i cant. Because i dont know how to. I feel lost not having u by my side too. That is why i sigh. I didnt know what to say. I dont flirt no more darling. Do your know that? I do not find them anymore because i remember what you say. You said i always start it, and give them hope. That is why i stop.
I admit that i did stuff that hurt you. I know i am stupid to not understand what you say, but i am trying baby. Trying to understand and not to take it wrongly in case a fight start, try to get it asap, understand and absorb it. Im really sorry love, i shouldn't have shouted at you. It has always been my bad. Just that you asked me not to put all the blame on myself. So i thought u can get over it. Guess its not as easy after all. I know how much it hurt you by the way u punched me that night. By how drunk u got the other night. It hurt me so much when u vomited and still u dun wanna be in my arms. I know i hurt u. I didn't mean it. I really dont. I promised you i will change, and i promised god. Not for anything in return but just for the sake of being making a better person out of me. It hurts so much when u asked me to go find my own religion. I know i am not a born Christian. but for you, to understand you more, i tried to understand this religion more, and u have brought me to Him. i really made an effort to understand you cant you see? Maybe u will say that this is what i always say and emphasis on. But i think u forgot the fact that my family is a Buddhist family and i even told u before that i feel like i betrayed my family but i believe God has His own plans for us. So i just follow His guide.
Just be friends till u fall in love with me again? I dont think i can even fall for anyone else like how i fell for you after this. You are my true love. The love of my life. I dont feel happy when u're down. In fact i feel terrible. You change everything. Do you know that? I really wanted to live a normal life here unlike the one i lived. i guess i cant. You just wont let me. I am doing what i can. I did something wrong, I admit it and i am ever so sorry about it. If you ever choose to leave me, i will not blame you as it is all my fault. I started it. One thing that i wanna tell u is, i never ever wanted to play games with you. Never. I guess i hurt u too deep, for you to believe me anymore. If what i can do now is only hurt you, i will choose to give up. Like i said, i will not give up unless you give up, or under some circumstances. This is one of the circumstances. When i no longer can bring you happiness. When all i give you is pain and false hope.
I've always been thinking, whether you love me for who you want me to be? or you love me for who i am. i guess i found that answer. you love me for who you want me to be. This truth is hurtful, but i guess its true. Its as ugly as it is but still i have to swallow it. I even try to find reasons for myself to accept it. Like telling myself that its for my own good. Well, in fact it is, no doubt. But if you love me for who i am and you want me to be a better person, maybe you wont push so hard? or maybe its just you? Im still lost. I really am.
Everyone of those who came and talk to me asked me whether i am sure that u are not using me. I told them straight that u are not. Then they asked is there someone else, i said no. I know very well myself that you are not that kinda person. That is why when u told me u acted stupid and keep quiet, then u actually doubt me still, pretended to believe me. I got so down and upset till i said i feel used. If u really meant that, i really felt used. sigh. I am wrong. I know u too well to say that u're that kinda person. I am sorry again for i have once again hurt you badly.
God, please. Guide us through this if it is the way you planned for us.
This is the song playing in my mind now.
Come what may - Ewan Mcgregor & Nicole Kidman
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time
Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time
Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Oh come what may, come what may
I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place...
Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day
p/s: I am sorry, JLSW. I love you.
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