A fight yet again after being given a chance

This is really depressing. I've told her the truth everyday. I did not lie, or hide anything from her. Yet, she is still telling me that im not talking to her properly. Canceled the air ticket as i realized that its not worth it. Even though 10% of the ticket has been charged but still it better than being charged full fair as the full fair is enough for me to get a ticket from Malaysia and also allow me to spend in Australia. I had a plan. A surprise for her during her birthday. Why cant she trust me more? Why cant she have more faith in our love? is it because im not there?is it really because of that?i think so it is.

She doesnt know how much i wanted to tell her about all these but is there time?u do not even have time for me. I waited for u the whole night and u were busy doing ur work. After that? u were just too tired. U didnt even have time for us to Skype. How on earth was i able to talk to you? U are not in the mood. Maybe because your period came and u get pissed very easily. sigh. i am just really upset that u think about it that way. That i dont tell u everything and that i am hiding from you. I just dont wanna annoy you. I talk too much to you, you will say i just keep talking and u do not have the chance to talk and so u just let me be myself. Cant u see it? if i stop doing one thing, u will come up with some other thing. Cant u just say it out already? u dont love me no more. maybe this is the ugly truth that U have been hiding from me, or even yourself. I have been having this feeling just that i choose not to give in to it. I chose to believe and keep on going because at least if i failed at the end, i will not regret.

Many told me to stop talking to you to give u time to realize what i mean to you. How much i have done in this relationship because u are not the only one who sacrificed my dear. I did as well. I am trying to look for a second job now. Trying to save up as much as i can. So that i can go over to visit u during your 21st. Hopefully during your graduation as well. If u are staying there till u graduate. Im thinking what to tell my parents. Working back at home for less than how many months and im going for a holiday already? Have you thought about my future? I have. And no matter what u do, i tell myself not to doubt u if i have that doubt. U dont tell me stuff, and if i doubt, i will tell myself off somehow or rather. I dont even try to find evidence or whatever it is u call it to prove you guilty whether or not u have done anything because i dont bother to. All i want in my mind is a perfect you and i believe that it is. I will not give in until one day i found out something unexpectedly to prove that im wrong. THAT IS ME.

You said that we dont communicate and there are misunderstandings. Both of us know that. I dont see any effort from u trying to fix thing with me. Do you really think that im the only one to blame in this relationship? if u think that way, we might as well just go in separate ways from now on. If you dont see the point, if you only see the fault in me, then forget it. I cant fix this on my own. Dont u even dare to say that im dragging you into this. Love cant be done by someone alone, if that happen? that is not love at all. U dont wanna give in? U dont wanna work this out together? U want me to fix this alone? Im sorry to say that i do not think anyone on earth can do it.

Im trying. I really am trying. It just seems like u are not seeing it. Maybe its just time to say goodbye. Maybe u really dont love me no more. Maybe its time to wake up.

Confession of a Stupid boy

A stupid boy woke up 6.30 in the morning, just to cope with the time difference for THAT silly girl. For His silly girl. Well, its complicated. She is not he's anymore but well, he cares. He is trying to make a difference in their relationship. 11 hours time difference. He woke up that early and what did he get? He found out that the girl is going for a bar crawl, so he wanted to start a topic in that. All he got back in return is just 'what's wrong wit u? u sounded worse than my mom!'.

The stupid boy really dont mind if she's going for a bar crawl. As it is a new place for her. She needs to go out and get to know people and get use to the life there in the bloody prisoner's country(no offense). All the silly girl thought of is that the stupid boy doesnt like her going to a bar crawl, this and that. Little did the silly girl knows that she is really being silly. He has been a University student as well and he still is. Even though he is in a totally different continent, but the people practice more or less the same things. Bar crawl is fun, and stupid boy was just worried that it will be expensive for the silly girl. Everyday and everything is expensive for the silly girl, the stupid boy cared. So he sounded his worries. He was then condemned. Maybe its because he forgot to pray before he sleep last night? =/

He doesnt mind doing all the job like he always did, to make a difference from an 8 hour difference last time until the current 11 hour. In this relationship, he has been apart from her more than he has been there for her. He feels so helpless and useless but life goes on? He cant give up his future just yet? He is doing whatever he can to make it up to her. Since the very beginning, he lived the 8 hours time difference as if he was back home whenever he doesnt have class the next day. Now that she's 11hours behind, he is still trying but the effort doesnt seem to work.

Unfortunately, i am the stupid boy. Work starts at 11am and its already 7.08 am. Stuck in between. Back to sleep? or wash up straight and have breakfast? Better wash up now. Cant afford to wake up late the first day of work.

p/s: open up your eyes and mind. Please. I cant always be okay with everything. U need motivation and signs to show u that i still love u dearly, i need it too. So please, dont keep me waiting for too long. i'd die. I have a plan too. =)

Its over?

Is it over or not? i do not know. I still hope that there will be a day that we can get back together. For now, she's gone. Not mine anymore. Im in no position to say anything anymore, no matter how i feel. She deserve a better life. A life without all my restrictions, all my dislikes which affect her decisions and choice of having some fun.

Another party just ended and i thank all my friends for being there. I feel very blessed because i have all of them around me. May God bless them. All of them. Well, thanks to them, it made these times easier for me to go through.

It was a great party i call it. Got drunk very very soon. puked my ass off in the room. Luckily i got better after that. was able to get sober and go down to join them again. sigh. I cried and cried. i just cant get her outta my mind. She mean too much to me. I dont think i can ever love anyone like i loved her again. At least not for a short period of time.

The pain is unbearable. Very very very painful. The pain is unbearable, indescribable, and very heart cell killing. Feels like my heart have been crushed, in to a million pieces. So small that it can go through the eye of a needle.
The first Tiramisu we've ever had together. Its just so hard. Make things so bad and my heart just bleeds when all the great memories came pouring. Now that she's gone. what's left of us? what's left of me?

p/s: please come back to me.

Cant seem to find the star

Some people say, love is like a star. Its always there but sometimes u just dont see it. Its my Valentine's day now while u still have half an hour before Valentine's ends in your part of the world. I know its stupid to write all these here but not letting you know how i feel. I know it is just dumb to express it somewhere but to you. Trust me. I really know. Its just that there are so much bothering you now that i dont know when is right time to tell you anymore. Theoretically, i dont need to find a right time as i am your guy but well, still i know that u're not always in the mood for that.

I woke up, i called, and called, and called, and called. Again and again and again. I just cant get you. I think u're already asleep. Emo songs keep on playing in my head. I dont know what to do anymore. I care, u said i cared too much. Tried to be there, u sighed like u knew how i felt, but i know u dont because u have no idea how does it feels like to deal with u love.

Im listening to Wo De Chuo now...my bad as it means..These few days, i've tried not to think about things on the wrong side. I tried to distract myself by going out wit my friends. Casino, dinner, party. As i know i will cry my ass off if i stay alone at home. Like how i am now. I tried so very hard to avoid that feeling but it just struck me when i wake up and there goes my day i think.

Just so you know, i didn't mean to ruin your day today and i hope i did not. There was nothing particular to tell really. I went to the Casino for a steamboat dinner, ate those stuff we had in "Yuen" steamboat with the same bunch of friends. What makes u think that i have anything special in particular? seriously what makes you think that i have a special life that i did not tell you? It is because i do not have anything at all. Nothing special. U know life might be as nice as it seems but U, of anyone can tell that it will feel so empty and lost without you.

I know we're hanging on fine strings now my love and frankly i do not think its all my fault too. Yes i do agree that you always take the first step to explain things to me, but by the time u are done, how can i still tell u how i feel anymore? sound absurd? Here are the reasons. First of all, u'll always be tired already after all those and u wanna sleep. If i continue too long, i'll get a "cant u feel that i falling asleep already? y are you so not sensitive?!?! u changed..u wasnt like that last time". If i dont explain slowly, u will not understand, then whats the point of even telling you? Then, do u want a man who bears the responsibility and burden on himself or put it on you as well? i dont know really, but as a guy and as a boyfriend, YOUR bf, i just want to keep all those burden away from you. I will settle and figure it all out if i could. I really never meant for you to find out all those that i complained to my friends. Frankly i just needed somewhere to let it out and as i always stay in the room, i confess it on the internet to my friends. About those flirting shits, i cannot find any reason for it. That is my bad.

Yes, see. U complained yet again. This is your 3rd day in the unknown foreign place. I couldn't reach u at 11 plus at night, i was worried and u didnt leave me any signs that u were fine. So i called your friend to ask about it. What did i do? I politely asked and even thanked him for taking care of you and showing u around the place? Is that so wrong? Am i such a fucking disgrace to you? Do i really make u feel that embarrassed? What and who am i to you anymore? I have no idea. My heart is dying. Breaking into pieces, but its okay, as i am used to picking yours up and mending it together, while i mend my broken heart as well at the same time. What have you done to mend mine? Where were you when i needed you? When i was in a foreign land, i'd always wait for you. To wake up, to sleep, even going thru your time just to "be there for you".

All you say and know is i am not there for you now and we cant go thru life together. DONT YOU FUCKING THINK I KNOW IT? u think im not frustrated about it? HELL YES I AM AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT BOTHERS ME!!!! Thats because i love you and i'd rather take it all to myself than putting any bit of burden on you that might break your bone!!! Instead of asking me y am i so worried, or is everything okay with me, all u said was just "what is wrong with you"? I think its my limit already, but still i cant bear the feeling of giving up, just yet.

I have been looking at our pictures, reminiscing all those times we had....I miss the moon, which we looked upon with our hand held tight together. It is strange to think i haven't seen you since almost a month. I have seen new moon, but not you. I have seen sunsets and sunrises but nothing of your beautiful face.
The pieces of my broken heart is so small, that it could pass through the eye of a needle.
I miss you like the sun misses the flower. Like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence have vanished me to.
Hope guides me in the day and especially the night. The hope that after u're gone from my sight, it will not be the last time i look upon you.
With all the love i posses, i remain yours.

p/s: i've really done things i can, and try to live a life here. I cant always be chasing your shadow. I still love you. Do you?

i thought i had a hold

From the first day i started this blog, all i had in my mind was just to change into a better person. I really tried to change. and i really did. I started to wash my hands more often, wash the chopping board before using it. All these little little things. Packed my room. Start looking for a job.

Now we're in bad terms again. She just thanked me for making her cry. Little did she know hurtful it is to LISTEN to her crying and made her cry myself. I didnt mean it. She said she acted stupid and believe me. Doesnt it mean that she literally pretended to believe me? If she didnt mean that and i interpreted it that way, i will still feel used. I feel like she pretended to believe and trust me again because she needs a shelter when she is here. But one side of me knows that she is not that kinda girl. She doesnt know how much i have struggled to believe her. How i push myself not to doubt her. I love her. Thats for sure. That is why i know i shouldn't doubt her. I made it. I stop doubting her. It was just so hurtful to even doubt that she love me. Now, she used me? I cannot believe it. At the same time i cannot believe that i said that to her as well. She used me. It is just how i feel as well. For being accused. We are both being accused. I accused her for using me. She accused me for asking my friend who called me darling to send a message to apologize on facebook.

Goodness, how can things got so messed up. I am to blame for this. If only i wasnt so stupid to flirt on MSN. If i didnt feel lonely. Maybe if i found God earlier. I am still on the way of understanding the Christ. I made a promise to Him that i will change. I didnt ask for anything back. All i know is, if i want her, I need to be a better person. For her, and for myself, a better future. It is not a condition thing. I really didnt ask for anything, but i actually hope for it. Maybe it is wrong as well. I am lost. I am so lost yet again. I was suppose to tidy up my room and finish up my CV but i doubt that i can now.

She is the best thing that happened to me in my life i have to say. She made me feel loved, belonged and cared. No other girlfriend that i had made me feel the way she did. She started this when she said she told me everything everyday since she went back, but all i reply her is just a sigh. A sigh means i feel useless baby. Do u know that? i feel helpless. I dunno how i can make things better. You have your sister's condition, your parents worry about your sister, and u are leaving to Australia soon. Dont you think i should come up with something to cheer u up? But i cant. Because i dont know how to. I feel lost not having u by my side too. That is why i sigh. I didnt know what to say. I dont flirt no more darling. Do your know that? I do not find them anymore because i remember what you say. You said i always start it, and give them hope. That is why i stop.

I admit that i did stuff that hurt you. I know i am stupid to not understand what you say, but i am trying baby. Trying to understand and not to take it wrongly in case a fight start, try to get it asap, understand and absorb it. Im really sorry love, i shouldn't have shouted at you. It has always been my bad. Just that you asked me not to put all the blame on myself. So i thought u can get over it. Guess its not as easy after all. I know how much it hurt you by the way u punched me that night. By how drunk u got the other night. It hurt me so much when u vomited and still u dun wanna be in my arms. I know i hurt u. I didn't mean it. I really dont. I promised you i will change, and i promised god. Not for anything in return but just for the sake of being making a better person out of me. It hurts so much when u asked me to go find my own religion. I know i am not a born Christian. but for you, to understand you more, i tried to understand this religion more, and u have brought me to Him. i really made an effort to understand you cant you see? Maybe u will say that this is what i always say and emphasis on. But i think u forgot the fact that my family is a Buddhist family and i even told u before that i feel like i betrayed my family but i believe God has His own plans for us. So i just follow His guide.

Just be friends till u fall in love with me again? I dont think i can even fall for anyone else like how i fell for you after this. You are my true love. The love of my life. I dont feel happy when u're down. In fact i feel terrible. You change everything. Do you know that? I really wanted to live a normal life here unlike the one i lived. i guess i cant. You just wont let me. I am doing what i can. I did something wrong, I admit it and i am ever so sorry about it. If you ever choose to leave me, i will not blame you as it is all my fault. I started it. One thing that i wanna tell u is, i never ever wanted to play games with you. Never. I guess i hurt u too deep, for you to believe me anymore. If what i can do now is only hurt you, i will choose to give up. Like i said, i will not give up unless you give up, or under some circumstances. This is one of the circumstances. When i no longer can bring you happiness. When all i give you is pain and false hope.

I've always been thinking, whether you love me for who you want me to be? or you love me for who i am. i guess i found that answer. you love me for who you want me to be. This truth is hurtful, but i guess its true. Its as ugly as it is but still i have to swallow it. I even try to find reasons for myself to accept it. Like telling myself that its for my own good. Well, in fact it is, no doubt. But if you love me for who i am and you want me to be a better person, maybe you wont push so hard? or maybe its just you? Im still lost. I really am.

Everyone of those who came and talk to me asked me whether i am sure that u are not using me. I told them straight that u are not. Then they asked is there someone else, i said no. I know very well myself that you are not that kinda person. That is why when u told me u acted stupid and keep quiet, then u actually doubt me still, pretended to believe me. I got so down and upset till i said i feel used. If u really meant that, i really felt used. sigh. I am wrong. I know u too well to say that u're that kinda person. I am sorry again for i have once again hurt you badly.

God, please. Guide us through this if it is the way you planned for us.
This is the song playing in my mind now.

Come what may - Ewan Mcgregor & Nicole Kidman

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Oh come what may, come what may
I will love you

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place...

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day



p/s: I am sorry, JLSW. I love you.

Lost of a soul

The day that i hope will not come has finally came. Today, will it be the last day that i taste the taste of food, feel my own heartbeat, or breathe. To be precise, i have been wit her for almost two years now counting in all those time we wasted. At the end of this relationship, i feel terribly sorry for what i've done, being an asshole, a hypocrite, someone who does not know how to treasure love.

I call her the love of my life, i really love her but i flirted badly with some other girls on the internet. Im not proud of it, not at all. Now that i've lost her, i finally realize what is lacking in me in this whole relationship. She has been almost perfect. Beautiful, caring, and cute. Everything that i can ask for. I was just stupid enough to make this kind of stupid mistakes and i am now suffering the worst consequences in my entire life.

She has always been saying that we do not have the same understanding. She is a catholic and i am not. I really hated her when she compared me and catholic guys. Until she brought me to the Christ, i realized how i use to think is wrong. I am so totally wrong. She changed my life.

I was a bummer. Slacking all the time. She made me realize that i have to live life for something. I need to have a vision and a goal. I've got one. I want a life with her. A good one. but its just so hard. As conflicts never stopped happening between us. I am the one to be blamed. She has been the best of a girlfriend. I havent treasured enough. It is all my fault. I can never deny that painful and ugly fact no matter how hard i try to avoid it. I would love to hold her in my arms again, look her in the eyes, and tell her i love her. To tell her that i will really change for the future in every sense. She is the meaning of my life.

I regret now that i've lost her. Is this how it is meant to be?i cant even fight for her anymore. I would love to have one last chance is i can. This time, i will change. I swear in the name of God. I will. She is now no where to be found. Im worried sick. I'll go find her again, hopefully i will be able to get her.

p/s: I am sorry JLSW. I love you.